Can it be true? Can it really be twenty-seven years since the TV series of ‘The A-Team’ was first screened? With George Peppard as the charismatic, cigar chomping Hannibal Smith; Mr T as the tough-as-nails hard-man, B.A. Baracus (B.A. – Bad Attitude? Was that a brilliant piece of foreshadowing by his parents, or did it come later?) Dwight Schultz as the self explanatorily nicknamed “howling mad” Murdock (ditto) and Starbuck from ‘Battlestar Galactica’ as the face man (alright, seeing a pattern now) – who for millions of gullible schoolboys was the literal punch line to a bullyish gag involving a massive slap across the chops.

With its over-the-top violence and cartoonish characters, not to mention, plot, situations, and, of course, those legendary ‘build sequences’ (where the “team” always seemed to get locked into a oversized garden shed by a pesky band of crooks, filled with just the right equipment necessary to build a lethally fast cabbage firing machine…) ‘The A-Team’ was an iconic piece of 80’s culture; which is why, naturally, it’s now been made into a ‘Mission Impossible: Dukes of Charley’s Angels Hulk Fugitive’ style big-screen overload.

This time around, however, the cast consists of Liam Neeson as Hannibal; a newly pumped-up Bradley Cooper, fresh from last years smash hit comedy ‘The Hangover’, as the face man; Sharlto Copley – fresh from his ‘zero-to-megastar’ turn in ‘District 9’ – as Dandelion Murdock – and über-martial artist Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson as bad attitude dude. Added to the mix this time around however is the ‘Team’s’ pseudo-nemesis, Jessica Biel as Face Man’s ex, Lieutenant Sosa, making quite a change from hardnosed Roderick Decker (played in the original show with great stonewalling grit by Lance LeGault) the army colonel who spent season after season trying to hunt the team down.

The problem with ‘The A-Team’ 2010 is one of tone. Where the original series was a light-hearted family show which prided itself on ensuring no-one was killed, either on or off screen, if possible, the remake is a thing of its time, and therefore has had to adapt. Director Joe Carnahan (‘Smokin’ Aces’) therefore, has given us a rather “by the numbers” actioner which, whilst admittedly good fun in places, doesn’t really measure up. Another problem is that however hard the new cast tries (and Neeson, for one, often looks like he’d dearly wish to be in another movie entirely…) they fail to capture the genuine chemistry of the original actors – a key ingredient of what made ‘The A-Team’ work. Cooper preens, Jackson lacks ability as an actor (as well as Mr T’s natural charisma) and Copley chews the scenery, but it’s all a bit flat.

Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz do have cameos however (Mr T was offered one but turned it down. He’s said to be disappointed with the remake…) as the film’s producers try desperately to add their endorsement to what’s ultimately a pretty shallow and cynical moneymaking exercise, as most remakes are. In the end, it’ll entertain, but it won’t last.

The great George Peppard isn’t with us anymore of course, so one can only speculate on what he might have said about the whole thing. Moon river…or down the swanee…all in all, it’s a bit of both. Indeed, ‘The A-Team’ can sit lower on the list of worst remakes, being not so bad, if not so great either.

Elsewhere, here’s ten other recent remakes that mark various nadirs as the worst ever or most pointless of our time. A salutary lesson to leave the classics alone. Avoid these at all costs…

Psycho (1998) Gus Van Sant’s postmodern exercise remade Hitchcock’s classic shot-for-shot, making it even more  pointless given that terrible casting and the use of colour stock had already ruined it. Oh and the fact that the original still existed for anyone to see. Why did Gus even bother?

Godzilla (1998) Seldom has a flop been seen on this scale. Back in the late 90s this movie nearly sank the summer blockbuster, such was the scale of its marketing and the size of its failure. Not hard to see why. The sight is dismal, to say the least.

Get Carter (2000) Stallone or Caine? Nuff said.

Planet of the Apes (2001) The first of two Burton entries on this list. Difficult to explain why it’s so bad without so major spoilers, but suffice to say, the “Liberty” has well and truly been taken. So much so, it’s disappeared entirely, leaving the whole thing even more pointless…

The Ladykillers (2004) The usually exceptional Coen Brothers make an unusual mistake of messing with the 1955 British classic. Without Alec Guinness, Peter Sellers et al, this is as flat as the proverbial, even if it’s not completely irredeemable…

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (2005) Proof that sometimes even the dream team of Burton and Depp get it wrong when they’re working together. Depp is woefully miscast as Willy Wonka leaving the rest of the film adrift. Why bother when you have Gene Wilder’s definitive 1971 Wonka just waiting to delight, scare and baffle?

The Pink Panther (2006) Clouseau without Peter Sellers? What were they thinking? But the worst of it is that this made enough money to warrant a sequel, once again starring “hasn’t been funny for millennia” Steve Martin. It’s just too painful…

The Wicker Man (2006) Neil LaBute took one of the greatest ever Brit movies and…the words necessary aren’t for a public forum like this. Suffice to say he did very bad things to it that fans of the original still need counselling for…

Poseidon (2006) The usually reliable Wolfgang Peterson took his eye of the ball here. One can only assume that as a master of all things watery he just wanted to film the ship capsizing, which is admittedly the highlight of the film. As for the rest, go back to the 1972 Gene Hackman original…

I am Legend (2007) Will Smith is the last man alive. Only he’s not because this one was done infinitely better twice before with ‘The Omega Man’ in 1971 and ‘The Last Man on Earth’ in 1964. See them. They’re both much better.

Finally, special mention must go to ‘The Italian Job’ because the truth is, the 2003 version is actually not that bad – and it’s also so different, it’s not even really a remake. In fact, if it had just been called something else, you might even have quite liked it…wouldn’t you? Go on. Admit it…

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